I know I sometimes sound like Victor Meldrew from One Foot in the Grave - the archetypal grumpy old curmudgeon. Characteristically, I found myself uttering the Meldrew slogan "I don't believe it!" while watching several of this week's programmes.

Stephen Hawking: Master of the Universe (Channel 4) uncritically profiled the man whose book A Brief History of Time became a best-seller, even though few people understood it. In the book, Hawking promised that we should soon have a "theory of everything". The programme had to admit that, 20 years later, Hawking has not yet come up with the theory. Yet Stephen seems remarkably sure about many things that strike me as dubious or incredible. Black holes? Are you having a laugh? Big Bang? Pull the other one! String theory? I don't believe it! Even if Hawking comes up with his theory of everything, it will still only be a theory and I shall remain sceptical.

The Fake Trade (Channel 4) showed how scepticism is justified about many products on sale - especially if they come from China. China is the country which produces the most counterfeit goods, but many western companies hesitate to complain because their own (genuine) goods are manufactured cheaply in that country. In any case, the Chinese government hates criticism and turns a blind eye to the trade in fakes. The commentary noted that "Many Chinese see the copying of foreign designs as a kind of justified revenge for centuries of economic bullying from foreign countries".

We watched British consumers eagerly buying fake designer goods because they are cheaper than the real thing. But let the buyer beware, as many counterfeited items can be dangerous as well as unethical. In China they are even making fake eggs out of lethal chemicals - because it is cheaper than keeping hens.

I didn't believe in Rock Rivals (ITV1), a drama series about the judges and contestants in a TV talent contest very like The X Factor. It comes from the same stable as Footballers' Wives and portrays a supposedly glossy showbiz world which is actually nasty and sordid. In the words of one of the characters: "A bit naff, isn't it?" It is even more naff than Footballers' Wives. The acting is as wooden as Sherwood Forest and the script as implausible as an MP registering his expenses. One of the judges unaccountably favours a singer called Bethany, who continually grizzles and moans.

Love Soup (BBC1) also features a complete misery: Alice Chenery, played by Tamsin Greig. Alice is in search of Mr Right, but she is hardly likely to find him when she is such a moaner. This is the second series of the sitcom, which is written by David Renwick, creator of the aforementioned One Foot in the Grave. Love Soup has some of the same sort of mishaps and misunderstandings as Renwick's earlier sitcom but it is nowhere near as amusing - perhaps because Alice is a young miseryguts, which is less understandable than the laughably bad-tempered oldie Victor Meldrew.

Can we believe any longer in the phrase 'customer service'? Such a thing may have existed once but it has now largely been replaced by 'helplines' which are extremely unhelpful. Phone Rage (Channel 4) started a series about call centres, which drive many people near to desperation. When you phone one of these, you are often told that "Your call is important to us" but this seems unlikely when you are kept waiting for ages or have to work your way laboriously through a list of 'options' before actually speaking to a human being.

The programme pointed out the problem with many overseas call centres, where understanding may be limited on both sides. We saw some South Africans being trained to work at a call centre but, however much training they get, will they be able to empathise with British customers - let alone understand our wide range of accents and our weird ways of living?